I cannot find my penis.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
