cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
