i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
