if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
