I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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