I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
