my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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