You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
