He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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