how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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