why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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