and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
