I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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