do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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