apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
