So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
