His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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