we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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