You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
