On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
