I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she peed on how many people?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
