seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
