Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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