i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
