apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
