You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
