i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
