The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
that's an acceptable place to lick
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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