Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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