i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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