I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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