Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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