Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
