the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
