totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
