it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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