This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize