My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
