She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
