you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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