Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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