Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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