His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
