I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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