Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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