Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
