you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
