Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
