Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
