Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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