We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
